


As she looks at him now...

by the_doctors_magician12



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Clara's POV, Drabble, F/M, Poetry, not too sure, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-04
Updated: 2015-04-04
Packaged: 2018-03-21 03:45:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3676155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_doctors_magician12/pseuds/the_doctors_magician12
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clara thinks she may finally see and understand the Doctor...</p><p>"As she looks at him now, she sees a Doctor, her Doctor, except he wasn't just her Doctor was he... He was the universe's Doctor."</p>
            </blockquote>





	As she looks at him now...

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So I wrote this at 1am and I'm not too sure what it is really. I was just writing some random ideas around the quote "please just see me" in Deep Breath, and it turned into this. Hope you enjoy!

As she looks at him now, she sees his eyes, those big sad eyes. After he regenerated, he'd asked her to see him, she thought she had, there in Glasgow, as she accepted that this was the man who had first dropped out of the sky in his borrowed blue snog box. But...but now, she thinks she's only seeing him for real now.

As she looks at him now, he stands over the console, having just saved a child from their nightmares. As it turns out, it was a telepathic message from a malfunctioning droid. Nowhere near as thrilling as their normal adventures, but she thinks that's when he truly showed who he was.

As she looks at him now, she sees a Doctor, her Doctor, except he wasn't just her Doctor was he... He was the universe's Doctor. He would save a single child from a nightmare, he would wait for over 900 years to prevent war, he would save the universe and whole planets, and then he would just have coffee with her in Glasgow in 2014.

As she looks at him now, she sees how he has caused so much hurt and pain and death. But she sees the regret, prominent and obvious in his eyes. He mourns every Dalek, every unspeakably evil creature that he has killed in this universe. And of course all the innocent people he has failed to save.

As she looks at him now, she thinks of how she once told him that she doesn't know if he's a good man, and she still doesn't, but as her mum used to say 'The soufflé isn't the soufflé, the soufflé is the recipe.' Maybe now she understands. The way you put flour, eggs and milk in a soufflé, is the same way you put selflessness, bravery and love into a good man. The result doesn't matter, the recipe tells you all you need to know. The soufflé may be burnt, the good man may have regrets but maybe...maybe that isn't the important part.

As she looks at him now, she sees his life. His life is a selfless one, doing what he needs to do, his life is a hectic struggle to try and fix the whole universe's problems with a police box, a screwdriver and a single piece of psychic paper. The universe hardly ever returns the favour, yet still he keeps going, he keeps running, helping where he can and regretting where he can't.

As she looks at him now, she sees the burdens he undertakes, and she sees why. No one asked this man, this amazing man, to steel his TARDIS, no one asked him to help people, no one asked him to hold the burdens he does, and no one asked him to take mercy on those who probably don't deserve it...and yet he does. She knows that he does it because when he started running, he was running away from war, and the military.

As she looks at him now, she knows he saw the horror and fear of war and he wanted to run away from it. Then he grew, he became the Doctor and then he wanted to stop war. He started to keep his promise, his name. He started fighting the good fight, being brave, taking on impossible decisions when there is no way to get it right. Sure he sometimes lost his way, she knows it hides in the slither of ice in his heart but no one is perfect and when you are in his shoes... You know he's seen a few things and no one is immune to that.

As she looks at him now, she sees that he is so very old. 2000 years of life, full of seeing death. She knows it blinds him from the lives he has saved. She can see how he has seen so much... so many things. How tired he is, how much he needs to rest and relax. How much he wishes he could fix every problem, just so he can stop and be happy with what he has done. But she also sees his determination to carry on helping till no one needs it, or he dies, whichever comes first.

As she looks at him now, she sees a young man, bounding round the universe, always wanting to see more. Wanting to see all its wonders, all it's beauty and love. Excited, and happy. She sees how he always wants to carry on and how he thinks he can never stop because there is always...always more to see and do. She sees him itching to visit more people, help them and make the universe a slightly more wonderful and happy place.

As she looks at him now, she sees him as a god. She sees how many times he has stood with whole worlds under his fingertips, how many lives he has created and saved, and how many he has destroyed. She sees how many impossible situations he has had control over. She sees how he has shaped this universe and how, to some, he is a god that they worship and cherish. And to others, a demon, to be feared and avoided.

As she looks at him now, she sees a boy. Scared, mortal and vulnerable. She sees how unsure he can be, and how desperate. How sometimes all he wants is to be comforted...and held as a child might. She knows now, how he fears himself, and how he wants to never be alone or lost. She sees how much he wants to be home.

As she looks at him now, she sees him. A terrible, brilliant, scared, brave, old, young man. She sees him now. His lies, his promises, his regrets, his victories.

But most of all, as she looks at him now, she sees a Doctor.


End file.
